by Gina Cariño
Home >> Coping with ENS
Even if you don’t want to be like the mother in “Como agua para chocolateâ€? who wanted her daughter at her beck and call forever. Even if the child who’s going or gone is “one score and seven yearsâ€? old and it’s about time she left. Even if you still have another, still single-digit-aged child to dote on and mother (or father). Even if you probably still can have a third baby (ugh!). Even if to The Elder, not much your junior, you were never all that much the classical nurturing, caregiving, self-sacrificing mother (or father?) that Gail Sheehy talked about in her long best-selling, but now a wee bit outdated, PASSAGES: PREDICTABLE CRISES OF ADULT LIFE, a book that was given me when I turned 18…long before the hysterias of adulthood had any relevance to me.
However predictable, the empty nest syndrome hits hard because it’s bound to coincide with the proverbial midlife crisis. And, if you’re a woman, with the long-dreaded mood swings, and perhaps even the sudden hot flushes, of… ssshhh… pre-menopause.
Empty nest syndrome. It’s truly more real and tangible than you ever imagined, especially if the kid not only moves out, but goes abroad. Even if by so doing she, or he, is just following family tradition, your own footsteps. Even if long ago you did the exact same thing, and never gave a thought to the feelings of your own parents. Even if we now have Air Berlin and Ryanair.
So what to do about it. A common advice is to find activities, distractions, and causes to fill up freed time, the erroneous premise being that you never had any hobbies and interests to fill up your life. The nest emptied, your hands no longer full, says Sheehy, suddenly you’re supposed to unleash a new kind of creativity. Suddenly you’re to get your nose into “local political reform, national movements, international congresses, protection of the species.â€?
My tips are less sublime.
Think of the extra den, guest room, or junk room you will now, finally, have. Or the wall you will knock down, finally, in order to have a larger library and living room. Think of your enriched library, all those books you bought her over the years that are yours for keeps until she comes back for or sends for them. Think of your suddenly expanded wardrobe and the nice fact that you fit into her clothes (when the normal thing is not to). Think of the bank account she fattened while living with you rent-free and that she’s left behind for the time being, and that you are co-holder of! Yes, think of the things you get to inherit, the hand-me-downs turned hand-me-ups. You may even inherit her blue swivel chair! For these and more reasons, it ain’t true that “ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.â€?
Through The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran said that your children are not your children, that they are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself, that they do not belong to you, that they have their own thoughts, that life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
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Posted on http://www.weeklyletter.com at 2006-04-20 09:45:00 +0200
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What the caterpillar calls the end, the Master calls a butterfly.
Hello,
I think that ENS is a natural reaction to a change. For me, it is more related to feeling apart from our grown up kids than feeling alone. I think that ENS also gives us a sense of how time goes by.
It is said that in order to become an adult you have to break your dependencies (not your relationship) with your parents, and have an equal adult-adult relationship with them. I think this is a hard task to accomplish for both sides !!!
Regards,
Cristina
I’ve never heard about ENS and I’ve never think about it, although I’m forty-three and I have three children with twelve, ten and six years old.
But I’ve heard (only in TV films) about CRISES OF ADULT LIFE, and I believe it’s like eagles when they get forty: they have to fly to the top of the highest mountain to change their beaks, their nails and their wings, to live thirty or forty years more. I think eagles teach us a lot. I love them all.
Gina has brought to my attention something that my mother and stepfather have gone through and continue to go through and that I never even thought about. As a son or daughter, and at the age when you leave home, you only see the future that lies ahead. A parent sees the past. Yes, she sees the future, too, but that future doesn’t involve her.
I have two younger sisters; there are three of us. Next year my “little” sister leaves home. Then there will truly be an empty nest. They can knock walls down to kingdom come. Hell, they can knock the house down. I’m glad that I still have little cousins…and the schnauzers…who need my mother’s attention.
Thank God the nest is full and the hens are in the barn! (for the moment)
Paul
Thank you for your comments.
A parent’s ENS can indeed include a certain resentment, a certain hurt pride… at the weakening of hierarchy.
And midlife is indeed an awakening, a getting out of a cocoon.
From the musical PIPPIN: “Rivers belong where they can ramble, eagles belong where they can fly… gotta find my corner of the sky… everything has its season…”
I am looking forward to next week’s “45 and alive” piece.
Peace,
Gina
I think that here in Spain we have more cases of FNS (Full Nest). It is when your children are in their thirties and are still at home. And there’s no way of getting rid of them! :-)
Juan Carlos! I used to have a theory that was that Spanish young people are lazy and don’t want to leave their parents’ homes.
Turns out that it’s not true. Mamá doesn’t want them to go, either!
...oh yeah, and housing costs and salaries are outrageously, totally DISPROPORTIONATE (but even if they weren’t, Mamá would still want you at home….)!
I would have to agree with Wes AND Juan Carlos… a little bit of both…I see a bit of FNS and the economics of the situation…. A parent that doesn’t want their child to go… hmmm, I think for every mother you find that doesn’t want them to go, there’s a father that is expecting them to leave ASAP… but I could be wrong…
I think my Midlife Crisis would be more acute, and I would be yearning for Empty Nest syndrome, if my daughter were staying with me til the end of time! So much for Maternal Instinct…
I think that the problem is always the same. Mothers and Fathers always think that their children are too small to leave home and “some” children think that they are adults to live their own life.
Where is the limit to go out home? Here in Spain it is near of 30, but we have to recognize that in other countries, (in other cultures), it is near of 20.
Sometimes I am very surprised when I know that a yound child is go out to study to a foreign country.
I have two children and I recognize that I am always thinking of them. Some people don’t understand that they are part of my life and that nowadays is to difficult to live without them. I hope I will be with them for another 10 years.
I get irritated when countries like Germany or Sweden criticise Spain and other countries just because people stay home until they’re 30. In my opinion, people should just mind their own business. If a 35-year-old wants to continue living with his or her parents, and the parents want him or her to continue living with them, so be it. Who cares, as long as both sides are happy?
I know a lot of Germans who left home pretty early but, because they were still studying at university, they still depended on their parents’ income pretty much. So, taking that into account, the difference in age of independence between some Germans and some Spaniards isn’t THAT big.
I think it’s how you stay.
If you have a 30 year old who does not cook, wash his/her own clothes, pay the bills, iron etc then you have a 30 year old child.
If, after reaching 18, a family member is then treated as an adult and expected to behave as an adult, then I think it is better.
But what happens when a young adult’s way of life is not compatible with the parents’ way of life? The parents have paid for the house. Surely they have the right to make the rules.
I live with two children and if they stay in the house after they are 18, certain things will not be tolerated – drugs, fascist insignia, David Bisbal music, ..whatever. A nest is only a nest. The sky is the place to be.
There is a beautiful Basque song that touches on this theme
Hegoak ebaki banizkio
Neria izango zen
Ez zuen aldegingo
Bainan, horela
Es zen gehiago txoria izango
Eta nik…toxiria nuen maite.
The Bird Which is A Bird
If had clipped her wings
She would have been mine
She wouldn’t have flown away
But then
She wouldn’t have been a bird anymore
And me …it’s the bird which I loved
A ze politte!