by Joe O'Dowd
Home >> Not in front of the Children
Nowadays, there seems to be a certain amount of reluctance among adults to treat children as people. We dress them up (pink for a girl, blue for a boy), pamper them, talk at them in very strange – often condescending – tones and only speak about certain children things in their presence. Yet we have no problem plonking them in front of the TV for hours without really knowing what they are watching or the messages being transmitted. No, no, no … wait! I’m not going to go on about television again, don’t worry.
My daughter, now a teenager, used to get very frustrated with the way some adults used to talk down to her when she was a child. They would be having adult conversations about adult topics and then, suddenly, when she’d enter the room, they would change their tone of voice, simplify their language and start going on about how guapa she was, how lovely her clothes were and how big she was getting. Now, this was fine when she was two or three years old, but by the time she was nine or ten it had started to grate on her nerves a bit and the result was that she thought that adults were all a bit strange because she liked to speak about all kinds of things in quite a normal manner.
For this reason, the grown-ups that she now has the best relationships with are those who, from day one, treated her as an individual, a person with ideas, opinions and feelings. People who saw her enthusiasm to speak, listen and learn and her potential to mature.
In his book, ‘Educating the Emotions’, Brazilian psychotherapist Dr. Augusto Cury, talks about how we as parents share the same physical space as our children, but seldom share their lives. An interesting distinction. His research shows that 50% of parents never talk (or listen) to their children about their inner feelings and thoughts.
It does appear that in our modern society, many of us have little or no real time for our children. We work around the clock to be able to buy everything we think they want while the best gift we can ever give them, our time and our presence, seems to be in short supply. We claim we’d give them the world but are incapable of giving ourselves.
We should spend time with our children. Quality time. We should dialogue with them about their own frustrations, their successes, failures, dreams, fears and mistakes and we should enjoy entering their world and seeing it through their eyes. Because in their own eyes, children have already become responsible, independent people long before we judge them to be and in order not to damage their fragile pride, we must treat them with respect and trust them to move on their own.
Treating our children like real people, yes, even children of five or six years old, encourages them to mature emotionally and helps strengthen our relationships with them. Treating children like babies makes them act like babies. Treating them like they are in an over-protective bubble, we are in danger of turning them into people who cannot take care of themselves. And that is the biggest disservice we can do to our children.
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Posted on http://www.weeklyletter.com at 2008-11-13 09:00:00 +0100
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Excellent article Joe!
I couldn’t agree with you more in many of the points that you have expressed in this article. Listening to your children is key. I am dumbfounded at the amount of observational capacity my little Clara has. She goes on and on about what happened in the “guarde” or “cole” and loves to tell everyone about everything. I don’t know what life is like in Brazil (unfortunately), but here in Spain they have more quality time with their children than in the States (that’s for sure!). I certainly hope Spain does not fall victim to the workaholism of so many Americans that eventually leads to the downfall of their marital and family relationships and responsibilities.
It is interesting to note that the term “adult themes” in English normally refers to sex, which – in my opinion – is best left for when children are ready to talk about such themes. However, the most ironic thing about it, is that there are so many other adult themes that have nothing to do with sex. My little one is not ready to understand, (for example) that the first person who took her in her arms outside the family, was our dear friend Iciar (who passed away at the age of 23 of cancer). For as much as I would have liked to “share” that experience with her in a good way, there was no intelligence on the other side to understand yet.
“Not in front of the children” – this does apply to certain situations where children are not ready to understand. It’s what makes children, children and adults, adults. Teenagers must be a separate race that I dare not venture to talk about, until I have the experience! Congratulations again! And yes, I am one of the lucky ones who gets to actually spend time with their children!
From personal experience, I would have to agree with ALL of the article.
I find “not in front of the children” is a get out clause in order not talk about a topic that the adults may find embarrassing. I believe that if we shy away from such themes, then we are creating taboos within society and I would prefer to give my kids the information rather than them finding out about these things in the school playground.
We haven’t had much dealings with death so far, but a few years back my wife’s aunt died. I thought it was important to try to explain to the children (ages 4 and 6 at the time) what had happened. We talked about it and they had a lot of questions on the subject but it was a good experience for me anyway.
The same thing happened recently when the school started their sex education programme. We managed to take the embarrassment out of the situation with some straight talk.
I notice a lot of talking down to children and I think that baby talk should be kept for the babies.
As with many things in life I think it is a question of degree. I don’t think any subject should be taboo but I think calibrating our communications with children is an important part of being a parent or mentor.
I think it is important that children talk about death when the subject comes up but I also think that we should be careful they don’t worry about it. Sometimes saying ‘This is something you will understand better when you’re older’ helps them see it is not dangerous for them now.
I am probably of the old school and I think children have a right to believe the sky is always blue and the sun is always shining and their parents love them for ever and ever in all circumstances ‘bar none’. The dolorous, quiet desperations of adulthood will come soon enough.
I have the tremendous luck to be ‘in loco parentis’ to two exceptionally curious kids. We have far reaching debates (always around the table at dinner time) about all sorts of themes from football to the Middle East crisis. I always encourage them to question everything without exception – especially what I tell them!
Before my father died, he and I became friends. I don’t think parents can really be friends with their children when they are young. But later, I think it probably the best relationship you can have.
If you would like a melancholy take on parenting you could do worse than read this poem by one of England’s best living poets Roger McGough
The Way Things Are
Thanks for your comments gentlemen. Aren’t there any women out there?
Éamonn, I agree that there’s a danger that “if we shy away from such themes, we are creating taboos”. That’s why I spoke frequently to my daughter about many ‘adult’ issues long before she was a teen. Better than her discussing them with some shady drug dealer in a bar when she turned sixteen and was ‘ready to understand’.
Kids have their own ‘screens’ and will understand at their own levels. Talking about sex, drugs or political activism in their company doesn’t mean that they will lose their virginity, shoot heroin or sign up with Sheikh Ahmed Yassin’s Palestinian wing of the Muslim Brotherhood. If they don’t have the maturity to grasp the conversation, they don’t.
Paul, many Spanish parents drop their kids off at nurseries at 7am Monday to Friday and don’t see them until late that evening, when they are too tired to enjoy them. Others hand parenting over to childminders. I don’t know if it’s workaholism or just trying to make ends meet, but many families are suffering as a result.
Hi Dónal! I agree, children do indeed “have a right to believe their parents love them for ever” and that much of that love involves honesty and treating them as humans. The danger I see is that in our efforts to protect them from the big, bad world we can ‘over-protect’ and may be preparing them to fall prey to it. Nice poem.
Hello Gentlemen!
Congratulations on an excellent article Joe! You have certainly sparked my interest.
Unfortunately I cannot add any “expertise” opinion as I do not yet have any children of my own, but I can offer you my personal opinion.
I heard or read somewhere that “baby talk” is an important factor in a child’s development. Wikipedia says “Baby talk is more effective than regular speech in getting an infant’s attention. Studies have shown that infants actually prefer to listen to this type of speech. Some researchers, including Rima Shore (1997), believe that baby talk is an important part of the emotional bonding process.” When, or at what age, should that change? I don’t know.
In regards to “adult themes”, which I think stretch far beyond just talking about sex, I think we do not want our children to hear what we are talking about because we, as adults, do not know “how” to explain what we are talking about to them – I agree with what Eamonn referred to as the “get out clause”. So, I think people decide that the best measure is to avoid it.
Paul – There isn’t any “good way” of explaining death to a child, but I think it’s important to communicate these things to them when the opportunity arrives, and of course “how” you explain it will depend on the age of the child. I think what’s important is not just “explaining” but having a conversation with them, which would allow them to learn how to identify emotions, and how to express them. I think that even the difficult subjects should be approached so that they have an archive of memories and experiences to deal with similar situations in the future.
Dónal – I applaud your comments! I think it is great that you have debates with your children and that you are teaching them to think for themselves and question things they may not agree with, including you!
Thank you for your comments. French doctor and psychoanalyst, Françoise Dolto pointed out the immediate post-weaning period as the time when, more than at any other, the child should be steeped in language. So yes, Michelle, baby talk, nursery rhymes, songs, storytelling are all important factors in a child’s development. At some time, the baby talk will give way to adolescent talk and adult talk, I suppose. The question is when and how this happens. Another weekly anyone?
Just been reading a book by Australian child & family specialist, Steve Biddulph, who’s worked & studied in a number of places around the world.His ideas have been tried & tested across cultural boundaries, and – what I loved above all – are expressed with refreshing simplicity and spoonfuls of Aussie humour.
One chapter deals with the importance of gradually involving kids in the “adult world” of, say, running of the household – giving them simple tasks to do which, over time, will help them develop a clearer sense of self-esteem.
The alternative at the other extreme is pampering & doing everything for them. By not giving kids opportunities to look after themselves, their home, their belongings, their lives…we deprive them of the chance to learn how to do it, as I think Joe’s article says.
”...everything you say and do with children shapes the person they will be” says Steve.